Category Archives: Family

House Hunting Your Way to Divorce

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I was recently watching an episode of House Hunters. It’s not one of my must-watch programs, but sometimes, there really is nothing else on television that I feel like getting in to. And other times, I just want to be as far away from anything that comes close to making me mad (the news) or making me think (most movies) or getting involved in a series where I either don’t know, or don’t care enough about the characters to give an hour or more of my time. So HGTV is my fall back, and that evening’s time slot was House Hunters International, to be more exact.

I think you can tell a lot about many people on these type of shows by what they say when they have their one-on-one private camera time. It’s as if they forget that while they may be alone in the room with the producer and the camera person, what they say will be aired and viewed by the person they’re talking about, and hundreds of thousands or more other viewers. So as I was watching this particular night’s show, it took me less than five minutes to think, they’re house hunting their way to divorce.

Why would I say that, as a passive viewer on the other side of a TV set?

Because what a person says, or fails to say, actually speaks volumes in a relationship. According to a recent study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, other than infidelity, communication problems were the number one reason for divorce in America.

It’s not surprising that many of the couples who go house hunting — with or without a camera crew following them — often times have different ideas of what they’re wanting to buy. Is it a cottage with an English garden out back; or a three-story townhome with a postage-size yard? Do you want to live in the city, close to restaurants and clubs, or in the suburbs near shopping malls and the school system of choice? People ponder many things when making a decision to spend, or rather invest, thousands of dollars into their first home, last home, or even vacation homes.

Will it be a Colonial or a Victorian? Move-in Ready or a Fixer Upper? On the ocean or in the mountains? A single-family home or a condo?

But unless you’re single, purchasing your own home, at the end of the day, you have to compromise — for a spouse; for children; for in-laws who may be moving with you.

Then there are the finances!

Money is right up there with communication issues in factors leading to divorce. How to make money? Who makes the money? How you’re going to spend the money? Are you in agreement with how to save that money? Perhaps that’s one of there reasons most good pre-marital counseling sessions include discussions about finances and how each person views it. Some people even go through financial counseling before getting married.

It was obvious to me in this evening’s episode that the husband believed in having a budget, and the wife believed in getting what she wanted. It wasn’t just my observations, but it was what she actually said during her on-camera part. 

The husband didn’t want to go over $1,800/month; the wife said money wasn’t an issue. The husband said he wanted to be close to his job. The stay-at-a-home wife insisted they move to what amounted to being a 30 minute one-way drive for him. The couple only had two small kids, so the husband thought a three bedroom house was plenty. The wife insisted on a five bedroom house, citing needing room for all her clothes.

Did I mention that she was a shopaholic?

In spite of them being in the hunt for a house. In spite of them needing to watch their money, according to the husband. In spite of the fact that her closets were already filled with more clothes than most women could wear in a year; even if they changed outfits at least once per day. She bought more. And it was obvious that this spending habit bothered him. But he said nothing that wasn’t couched in a joke; at least not to the camera. But his face told a different story.

The biggest thing that stuck out to me was that the husband wanted to please his wife; admitting that “she usually gets her way.”  And the wife didn’t really care anything about the things that the husband wanted, saying “I don’t believe in compromise.”  She went on to say that she wants what she wants, but was in agreement with him on at least one thing — that she always gets her way!

I’m not sure why people think that’s a good thing; to brag about always getting your way. In families. In the workforce. In life, there are always compromises.

Money is no different.

At the end of the episode, they’d rented a 5-bedroom house, flipping one of them to her wardrobe closet. The house was a half-hour drive from his job, and it was hundreds of dollars over their planned monthly budget. And she was shopping again!

I shook my head as I watched the outcome. It wasn’t just that she got everything she wanted. But it was because to me, her actions displayed how much she didn’t care about what he wanted. She didn’t seem to show any regard for the true meaning of a healthy relationship, and certainly didn’t seem to care that she was stretching them financially with her shopping habits and insistence upon living in a place that was above their means. Whether those means were put in place because he wanted to save money, or because that truly was all they could comfortably afford, doesn’t really matter. If you set a budget that to most people seems to be a reasonable budget, then why would you knowingly go above that — adding to the stress of living abroad, and being married, with children, to begin with.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to give in to everything they want. A marriage without compromise is a marriage on the verge of divorce. And one of the things that can  drive people to an early divorce is financial challenges and money disagreements.

At the end of the show, he said, “as long as she is happy.”

I had to wonder if he was just saying that for the camera. Notably, she never shared the same sentiments for him.

 

 

The Most Important Woman in the World

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It’s Women’s History Month; a time when we celebrate the progress, influence, and contributions women have made and continue to make in society. It’s kinda funny to me that we have to set a month aside each year in order to pause and recognize what women do and what they have done in history, rather than celebrating those accomplishments every day. I mean, just look around and it’s amazing all of the incredible things women are able to do, to share, to teach, and to create.

But I never realized just how much I learned from the most important woman in my life — my mom. And how much she did, how much she shared, how much she taught me growing up…until she was gone; and I couldn’t tell her.

People talk about hearing their mother’s voice in the words they find themselves repeating. Funny phrases. Directives to their kids. A discussion with their spouse. They laugh upon realizing that some of their vocal tone, actions, body language, and even reactions are things they saw or heard from their mother, and that they swore they would never say or do. There are so many things I find myself doing, and at times, stop and realize I’m doing them a certain way because it was the way my mama taught me. Or it was something I observed her doing.

Being one of six kids, I often shake my head in amazement that mom had the time, the energy, and the mental stability to raise all of us; and to do a pretty good job of it, I must say. Of course she had challenges, and I’m sure if she was still here she would talk about the things she might have said or done differently. But as I look back at the woman who married young, had two kids more than she and my dad had intended, and was twice forced to become a single parent for a year while my dad served two tours of duty in Vietnam, it is a wonder how she managed to keep it all together; to keep us all together.

One of the things that impressed me about my mom was how she was able to take care of her family on the low pay soldier’s salary my dad made. Even today, there’s much that can be said about the low salaries of our military, but back in the 1960s and 70s, it was even worst; especially for enlisted members. So retirement wasn’t much better. But in spite of that, we never went to bed hungry; never spent a night on the streets; and when it came down to it, we never went without the things we needed.

We shopped at Sears and other discount stores; always had shoes on her feet; wore clothes that were handed down; and while we may not have been the most fashionable bunch, mom often found a way to splurge on us for special events, like attending a concert or the middle and junior high school dance.

She had a way with making money work for her.

Growing up, I didn’t just watch my mom clip coupons. She made us cut them from all of the coupon fliers in the Sunday newspaper each week, and the numerous Army base magazines she picked up from the Commissary. I may have been too young to fully understand the value of a dollar back then, but I will never forget the value of the savings and her ability to stretch the dollars in order to regularly provide for our family. It’s a practice that I have replicated to keep me afloat during some financially challenging times.

Having been raised to live within my means; to not be embarrassed to shop at discount stores; and not worry about not making fashion statements; or to let pride keep me from making wise decisions about purchases and savings, it was an easier transition for me to re-adjust my lifestyle in my adult years, when after years of upward financial mobility, I was dealt an unexpected change in my job and financial stability. It was the lessons I learned from my mother that helped me to get through that time in my life.

My mom had such wisdom about her, even in her younger years. The youngest in her own family, with sisters who were much older, it is a wonder how she picked up on so much. I used to ask her about things, like where she learned about keeping a budget. She would say, “some things you’re just forced into learning how to do.” I guess that’s part of what made her generation so much different than ours. They worked hard for the things they needed; and put off many of the things they wanted, if it didn’t fit into the budget. We, on the other hand, work hard to surround ourselves with things we just want, seldom allowing patience and planning to direct our steps towards having them; even if it means going into debt.

So when I think about the purpose of celebrating women’s history month, and as I’m thinking about the woman who had the biggest influence on my life, I can say without hesitation that it was definitely my mom.